Acceptance

I failed my test. I failed my NCE test by one point. I repeat by one point.

Now that the cats out of the bag, lets rewind.

Wednesday night i didnt sleep at all. I was terribly nervous and couldnt stop thinking about all this information i had to know.  First it was, confusing the independent variable with the dependent variable (prob the easiest thing on the test) . Then it was making sure i knew the difference between humanistic approach vs. existential.  Then Freud psychosexual stages of development were being listed off cramming my frontal lobe. Next, while trying to doze off t-scores, z-scores and standard deviations started showing up along with gestalt therapy and Glassers reality theory. Long story night short...the information just wouldnt let me sleep.

Thursday morning, after danny left for his 5:15 AM work out, the second i heard the door shut i immediately switched the lamp on and pulled my bible out to start reading Philippians.  I had been trying to meditate on this book for the past week mainly because it speaks of "pressing on towards the prize" and to not be anxious about anything and the famous "doing everything through christ will strengthen me." Thursday night, I was able to "rest" on the fact that Lord does have a plan for me and I had not come this far in my journey of going to school and striving to be a counselor to fail.

Thursday night after reading through Philppians again i rested. I slept the entire night with a clear mind. My first thought when i woke up was "this is the day the lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it."  I thought to myself "thats weird, I didnt even read Psalms last night." After getting dressed, I had a half of bowl of cherrios and half a slice of pb toast with a glass of water. Looked over the Bell Curve graph one last time and got in the car feeling confident and calm. Danny and murphy took me to my test in waited in the car with me until it was time to check in.

I was in a room the size of our guest room with 4 other people sitting in cubicles that reminded me of the ones you see at the voting polls.  Sitting next to me was an over weight nerdy hulk hogan look alike who breathed entirely too loud the entire 3 1/2 hours. I say 3 1/2 because thats when he got done and announced to me "wooh glad thats over with huh?" in shock, because first, knowing we were not allowed to talk to one another especially with a camera in the room and one watching us on the computer, and second because I was clearly not "done" with my test therefore i did not need further distraction from him, his heavy breathing was enough already.

Needless to say, i did end up running out of time and had to guess on the last 10 to 15 questions.  At this point I had felt like I passed it and did well even though a lot of what I had studied was not on the exam (so much for investing in study material and webinars) and I had been very short on time. I submitted my scores with 43 seconds left. took a brief survey and walked out to the test proctor to obtain my test results. She printed out the test sheet, pointed to failed and sweetly whispered "by one point."  She was right, I looked at my score sheet saw the words FAIL and saw the score 90 and needing a 91 to pass. I was shocked, speechless,  and refusing  to believe it what i saw. (Denial)

The Stages of grief  started. I took my score sheet and walked out the door to see danny standing in front of our car in all smiles waiting for me to tell him i had passed. I think having to tell danny was the hardest. I felt like I had let him down. I wanted to be smart for him and successful. I told him what happen, he hugged me, we got in the car...and tears started flowing. I felt so defeated, I felt like a failure, I felt stupid, I felt lazy, I felt embarrassed and I felt exhausted. I called my mom and cried to her.  I called my grandmaw and cried to her. and then i decided to stop calling because it was making me cry more. I switched to texting, less emotional. Danny was so sweet. I cried to him, complained to him about the loud breathing and how nothing I had studied was really on the test and it just didnt seem fair, and then cried to him some more.(Anger)

We grabbed some Chick Fila, picked Murphy up from getting groomed and went to a beautiful dog park in Allen for most of the afternoon. It was nice to be outside and to be around dogs... who cant judge you based on how well you did on a test.  I cried most of friday. I ever started crying because I was crying over a test. it was quiet ridiculous really. after the dog park we came home to where I had to face the internet world and let everyone on facebook know that indeed failed which lead to more crying. danny left to go do get run an errand and came back with flowers which was so sweet but I like to call them my "failure flowers." I put them by the sun today in hopes that they would perk up no such luck...but murphy enjoys smelling them and that makes me smile.(Depression)

This morning I started telling myself that maybe the computer messed up and I would be getting a phone call soon to let me know I had actually passed and there had been a mistake.  I seriously believed this... for only just a moment though. I contemplated on one question that I could of answered right...just one. I blamed it on running out of time. (Bargaining)

Today, I started researching when I can take the test again, where to take it, and going through the whole application process once again.  An old friend had facebooked me today sending me words of encouragement and it made me realize that "im not a failure unless I give up and giving up is not a personality trait i choose to carry around."

As far as the 5 stages of grief go...well,  I failed the NCE on friday.  I failed by one point. I get to take it again in three months how blessed am i! (Acceptance)